tanaquiljall

Title: Through The Looking Glass
Author: TanaquiSGA
Rating: Teen
Characters: Kate Heightmeyer, John Sheppard, Rodney McKay, Elizabeth Weir, Carson Beckett
Spoilers: Season 1/Early Season 2
Warnings: Eventual Heightmeyer/Sheppard in final chapters
Word count: 4360/c. 38,000
Summary: In which Shep is confused, Kate is evasive, and the events of Before I Sleep make both of them uncomfortable.
Author's Note: This chapter took a long time to emerge because I knew this it had to exist, but didn't understand initially what needed to go into it and how it related to the events of BIS. Then RL got in the way of me having time to write it. But my mind was clearly percolating away, and it flowed very quickly once I did get a chance to write. A huge thank you to

sgafan for encouragement, suggestions, and some extremely helpful discussions when my muse was struggling to put it all together.

sgafan and

elena_tiriel also provided the usual beta reading and encouragement. Thanks to both of you!

***

We all sacrifice so much. Too much? But, in the circumstances, what else can we do?

Kate turned away from her journal and rested her elbow on the railing. She leant her chin on her hand and looked out over the city. Just as beautiful as ever. Just as vulnerable as ever. But maybe now there was hope. The chance of finding a ZPM. Which meant getting the defenses online. Maybe even going home.

The sky was clouded today, and the spires shimmered only softly in the diffuse light, but it was still breathtaking. After the often relentlessly predictable California weather, it was a wonder and mystery to her the way the view was never two days the same here. Would she ever tire of it? Would she miss it if she returned to earth?

An event which no longer seemed quite so impossible. Doctor Weir had come to tell her the news two days ago. As Kate welcomed her into her office and offered her a seat, she noted the dark shadows under Elizabeth's eyes..

"I'm sure the mess hall will be buzzing soon enough." Elizabeth crossed her legs and clasped her hands on her knees. "But I wanted to make sure you were properly briefed. We already know one of the ZPMs is on M7G-677." As Kate gave her a blank look, she added hastily. "The planet with the children. And the others may either be similarly in use, or exhausted, or simply no longer there."

Kate nodded. "You may need me to help manage people's expectations?"

Elizabeth gave her a warm smile, apparently pleased Kate had got the message so quickly. "Yes. It's possible none of the ZPMs will be any help." She flexed her fingers restlessly. "It's not as if everyone didn't understand it might be a one-way trip." Her voice carried a note of cynicism. "But I guess we all hoped we'd find more ZPMs. And when we didn't...," she shrugged, "I think most people had started to accept we wouldn't be going back. Now there's a possibility again...." She gave a nervous laugh, and tilted her head to one side. "I have to admit, I was rather excited myself at being handed five gate addresses that might lead us to a ZPM."

"I can imagine." Kate knew how her own heart had leapt at the news just a few minutes before.

But, even as Kate formed the words, Elizabeth's expression sobered and she dropped her eyes "Getting the defenses online too," she murmured. "It would be nice to have more than small arms and a few drones in puddlejumpers when the Wraith turn up. Anyway," she unclasped her hands and placed them on the seat either side of her, as if about to push off. "I hope it doesn't create too much extra work for you, but I wanted to make sure you had the full facts when you talk to people. I'll ask Major Sheppard to keep you updated on our progress with the addresses."

Kate nodded, distracted for a moment by an unbidden and unwelcome memory of John, leaning on the railing next to her and laughing. When she focused her attention back on Elizabeth, the other woman seemed to have finished what she came to say, but she still sat, poised on the edge of the couch.

As on the previous occasion Elizabeth had honored her with a visit, Kate was struck by the fact Elizabeth could have called her to her office for this briefing. Looking away to one side, she remarked casually, conversationally, "It must have been very strange to meet yourself."

"Yes." Elizabeth's voice was low. When Kate looked back at her, she saw she had linked her hands again and was staring at them, her thoughts turned inwards. "To know she... I was the only survivor." She looked up at Kate. "I know we thought we were in big trouble when we arrived, but... we got through it. We muddled through, and the city saved us, because it was smart enough. I feel like I've been fooling myself, thinking that we're smart enough too, and we'll get through whatever Pegasus throws at us." She sighed. "I didn't see what a knife edge we're on. How little it might take for success to turn into failure." She quirked an eyebrow. "I didn't want to see, perhaps."

Kate looked at her thoughtfully. "Do you think you'd have acted differently if you had seen that? Do you think it would make you a better or worse leader?"

Elizabeth shrugged. "I don't know. I guess a lot of it's outside my control. We've been lucky. And I'm not sure I like having to trust to luck."

"Yes, but I think we make our own luck too." Kate frowned, trying to remember the details of a study she'd read in which attitude influenced success. "We... can put ourselves in a position where we increase the chances of good things happening. After all," she smiled and shrugged her shoulders, "this whole mission is a Hail Mary."

Elizabeth's mouth twitched. "Did Major Sheppard tell you that."

Kate laughed softly. "As a matter of fact, he did." She shook her head in amusement. "What is it with guys and sports metaphors?"

Elizabeth joined in her laughter and some of the tension left her face. Then her expression sobered. "It's not just that, I guess. It was hearing her story. Hearing my story. That she gave up her whole life, all the things she could have been, to give us the chance to live, to give us the time to explore Atlantis." Elizabeth bit her lip. "That's some sacrifice. Some strength." She closed her eyes and a pained expression crossed her face." I don't know if I'm that strong. And I need to be that strong....."

"Elizabeth?" Kate's gentle question brought the other woman's attention back to her "She's you. I have no doubt you would do what she did. That you have the strength to do what you need to do" Kate paused, and scrutinised Elizabeth carefully."You want the truth? If it was almost anyone else in charge of Atlantis, I would have expected to have seen them in my office a lot more than this. But you, you have that courage." She smiled. "I think Atlantis is very lucky in its leaders."

Elizabeth raised an eyebrow. "Major Sheppard too?"

Kate hoped the heat flooding through her wasn't obvious to the other woman. "Yes." She cleared her throat, a sudden lump making it hard to speak. "I know the two of you don't always see eye to eye, but I think you make a good team. Better than...." She stopped, aware she was about to trespass in areas that were maybe better left untouched. Elizabeth raised her eyebrows, inviting her to go on. "Better than you and Colonel Sumner might have been," Kate muttered. The blush must definitely be visible now, but at least there was an explanation for it.

Elizabeth nodded. "You're right. I don't know what I'd do without John. I don't know if I would be half as strong without him as you seem to think I am. " She gave Kate a penetrating stare as she rose from her seat. "Do what you can to help him too, Kate. Even if he doesn't want to be helped. Please."

Kate nodded mutely, overwhelmed by the torrent of emotions that had flooded through her at Elizabeth's request.

When Elizabeth had gone, Kate had crossed over to the window and leaned her forehead against it, trying to compose herself before her next appointment.

She might not be spending her life making sure the Atlantis team would survive when the shield could no longer hold back the water. But wasn't she doing something similar in a way? Providing a safety net when the pressure of life in Pegasus got too much. And, like the other Elizabeth, she seemed to have put her own life, her own desires on hold for the greater good of the team.

Yet what else could she do? Reach out and try to take what she wanted? And would she be able to take a hold on it, or would it slip through her fingers? Would she bring the world crashing down on her if she tried?

Because she still wanted him. Despite her best efforts to squash her feelings or to account for them in some other way. Sure, most of the time, she could bury herself in her work and forget he existed. But whenever she saw him, her mouth went dry, her heart hammered, and she knew she was no more over him than she'd ever been.

It had got easier, of course. That first evening watching the game together had been the hardest, if less difficult than she'd feared.

There had, naturally, been the odd awkward moment. Both of them reaching for the Athosian crackers at the same time. She'd leapt back like a scalded cat, and then hoped he hadn't noticed. Yet surprising how quickly she'd got caught up in the game. Surprising, too, how passionate he still was about plays he must have seen a hundred times before, even if he was now reduced to grumpily muttering "Still hate that call."

"Oh, come on," she'd taunted him. Somehow, she couldn't resist rooting for the other side. "There was no way he was going for the ball."

"Yes, he was." He'd leant forward and grabbed the remote control to rewind back to the foul. "See." He'd jabbed his finger at the freeze-framed picture. "He's looking back at the ball. It was incidental contact."

"Was not." She'd nodded her head at the screen. "He's hanging all over the guy."

"Are you crazy? He barely touched him." His voice had risen in disbelief as he peered at the slightly blurred figures. "Look!"

"And you must be blind." She hadn't been able to keep the grin from her face at how easy it was to wind him up. "He has a hold of his arm, dammit."

He'd turned and, seeing her amusement, rested his elbow on the back of the couch and given her a gentle punch on the shoulder. "You're as bad as the damn ref."

She'd stuck her tongue out at him and he'd haughtily turned back to the game and hit the play button. The action started again, the same kind of argument raging between coaches and referees. But she'd scarcely noticed, suddenly aware of his hand resting close to her on the back of the couch, his long slim fingers splayed out on the white cloth. Swallowing hard, she'd leant forward and topped up her drink, making sure when she sat back that she settled herself more firmly into her corner of the couch. After a moment, he'd glanced along at her, then dropped his arm back down by his side. She resolutely focused her attention back on the game, on ensuring she delivered the appropriate oohs and aahs as it progressed, ignoring the occasional nervous looks he'd slid her from time to time.

She'd managed to avoid seeing him again for nearly another week.

This time she was prepared. Or at least she hoped she was. Really, it had been stupid of her last time not to be ready for the encounter. But, then, how could she prepare herself for rediscovering, as he came down the stairs towards her, just how damn good-looking he was.

"Hey." He smiled at her as he covered the last few steps towards her, and she couldn't help smiling back.

"Hi." Her voice sounded croaky to her. She cleared her throat and leant back against the railing, grateful for its support.

He rested an elbow on the top rail and grinned down at her. "Glad you've managed to drag yourself away from your project at last. Hardly ever see you these days." His tone was faintly accusatory, and she looked away. "Hope that means it's going well?"

"Sorry." She blushed. "Guess it is a bit all-consuming," she admitted. She shook her head. "Their research is just... well, light years ahead of what we were doing back on earth." She glanced up at him. "See, back on earth we'd been able to show that sleep affects how we learn, and even demonstrate that a particular effect is how well we can store and recall information. It's more than just not being too tired." She looked away and shook her head, as if dismissing such simple thinking. "Different kinds of sleep patterns and brain activity seem to have a different impact. But we had no idea how it worked; we've barely begun to understand the mechanisms behind memory and recall in the first place, let alone be able to manipulate them. The Ancients," again she shook her head, this time in wonder as she thought about the reams of basic research she'd been reading, "not only had a model for how those things work, but they managed to create the basis of a machine that would provide the right kind of stimulus to create the appropriate sleep-like brain activity, while you're awake and learning. They even got as far as working out what to stimulate and how depending on whether you're trying to learn a language or to use math or to remember something visual...."

She lifted her gaze to him again. He was giving her a slightly bemused look. She realised she'd been rattling away with scarcely a pause for breath for some time. The heat returned to her face. "Sorry," she said again. "Got carried away. Guess I'm kinda passionate about my work."

He grinned. "You're a scientist," he teased. "I've got used to it. And listening to you beats listening to Rodney any day."

Her blush deepened. "Well, you can go on about stuff too," she said, quickly, turning the charge back round on him.

He cocked an eyebrow. "Such as?"

"Football," she shot back.

He looked slightly hurt. "I thought you liked talking about football."

"I do." She smiled. "Was just thinking earlier that the new season starts this weekend. Kinda weird not to be able to switch on the TV or pick up the paper and get the results "

He nodded. "So, who do you think will make it to the bowl games this year."

"Michigan, of course." She laughed at the way he rolled his eyes. "Come on, it'll be thirty years since they missed out on a bowl game." She cocked her head. "I'm not saying they'll win, mind you...."

"Glad to hear it." He gave her a crooked smiled. "Since my pick would be USC."

Kate grimaced as he rubbed at a sore spot, remembering her frustration of the Wolverines' loss to the Trojans in the Rose Bowl last year. She stuck her tongue out at him. "You're just cruel."

As they continued to discuss possible division winners and national champions, she congratulated herself on having shifted the topic to something neutral, even pleasurable, that would last them a while.

All too soon, the conversation petered out. Silence stretched out between them. Afraid that John might, as he did with surprising regularity, take the conversation into her personal territory, Kate cast around for a new subject.

"Hey, did you see some there's been some new food from the mainland in the mess hall?" she began desperately. "If you haven't tried it yet, there's a really great stew. A little bit like gumbo. I understand it's an Athosian recipe. And something called tuttleroot soup that's pretty good too. Nice to have some new flavours...."

"Kate?" He interrupted her enumeration of the new dishes. When she looked over at him, he had a wry grin on his face.

She shut her mouth, which had been hanging open mid-sentence. She swallowed, feeling the heat rising in her face. "What?"

"Did you find a secret stash of coffee, or something? Or was there something in that new stew?" Her confusion must have been plain, because he added gently, "You're rambling again."

"I am?"

"Yes." Once more his mouth quirked. "Could give McKay a run for his money." He grew more serious. "Is everything OK? Never seen you this... on edge before."

"Sorry." She crossed her arms "Don't know what's got into me. Guess with all this running around, I've not had a chance to wind down yet." He seemed to accept her explanation, and turned the conversation in a new direction, although she noticed he still shot her a suspicious glance from time to time.

She'd seen him a third time after that, and managed to reach some kind of equilibrium. She'd kept the conversation flowing, on safe subjects, without rambling. Yet it was an effort. By the end of the evening she had been exhausted with the struggle of watching her words and holding her gestures in check. The professional part of her couldn't help noting how his physical closeness, which a few weeks ago had seemed like a natural part of their intimacy, now seemed like an invasion of her personal space. She consciously had to prevent herself from backing away from him. She suspected that, right now, her personal space extended to the outer limits of Atlantis as far as he was concerned. And, time and again, she had to curtail her own gestures, wanting to emphasise a point by reaching out and touching his arm. Wanting, if truth be told, to do so much more.

But, whatever she wanted or felt, now was not the time to burden John with it. The last thing Major John Sheppard, ranking military officer on Atlantis, needed at the moment was to be bothered with the extra complication of a relationship. Even in the unlikely event he returned her feelings.

Kate closed her journal and glanced up. She stiffened. John was sitting half way down the stairs, hands dangling between his knees, watching her.

"Hey." He gave her a slow smile.

She hugged her journal to her chest. "How long have you been there?"

"A few minutes." He nodded in her direction. "Haven't seen you do that for a while."

"What?"

"Write in your journal."

Kate knew he could have no idea what she'd been writing about, or what she'd been thinking, but she still felt... invaded. "I thought you were off-world today," she pointed out.

He stilled for a moment, before he shrugged."Mission was a bust. Came back early. So," he grinned at her, "if you'd known I was around, you wouldn't have come down here?"

She noticed how the grin twisted his mouth, but didn't quite smooth away the tension around his eyes. She flushed. She knew her words sounded a little too accusing, like she was angry with him for being where he shouldn't have been. He was trying to pass his concern off as a joke, but she sensed he feared there might be some truth in it.

She forced herself to return his gaze coolly while she lied to him. "No. I'd have come down here. But I wouldn't have brought my journal with me. If you're here, I'd rather talk."

"Oh good." He gave her a brief smile, before he crossed his arms and rested them on his knees. "So, you heard we got a break a couple days back?"

She gave him an enquiring look, glad he seemed to have changed the topic. She let the journal fall back into her lap. "The list of planets with ZPMs? The whole city's buzzing with it. About time we got some good news."

"Wish it was better. One of them's on the planet with the kids. And the place we went to today was a complete washout. Literally. Turns out where the Ancient outpost was is now a coupla miles out to sea and, according to Rodney, probably a few hundred feet under water too. Maybe we could get at the ZPM somehow, but Rodney seems to think it's probably out of juice anyway."

"That still leaves three more...."

"Yes, it does."

His voice was determinedly bright, but Kate saw the tension in his hands as they gripped his elbows. She wondered if he thought the discomfort between them was because he was overburdening her with his troubles. She put the journal to one side and let one hand rest on it, while she pushed her hair back off her face with the other. "You don't seem very confident you'll have better luck with those."

He shrugged. "Oh, I haven't given up hope quite yet. It's just...." He paused and gave her an uncertain look. She smiled and gave the slightest nod of her head to encourage him to go on. "The... other Elizabeth.... Her story. Everybody died. I died. I..." He looked down, shaking his head slightly, almost as if trying to dislodge his doubts. "It's not as if I don't face certain death at least, oh, couple times a week. But...."

"You never really believe you're going to die?" Kate probed gently. "You never really believe it's going to happen?"

"Right. But it did. I mean, to that other John. And...." He looked back at her. "Keep thinking about all the things he didn't get to do. All the things he must have left unsaid. Don't want to face the end, whenever that comes, with regrets about what I didn't do or say."

Kate glanced away, uncomfortable with the intense scrutiny he was giving her, and the turn the conversation had taken, away from an impersonal discussion of ZPMs to a very personal admission. Was he about to come out with some revelation, some disclosure that she didn't want to hear. Her plan to distance herself from him didn't seem to be working so well when he still persisted in seeing her as a confidante. "No, I don't suppose you would," she heard herself snap.

There was a silence, a stillness from him that made her look back at him. He had one eyebrow raised. "What's that supposed to mean?" Again, that slight challenge, that slight tension that hinted at some unspoken fear.

She tried to ignore it and concentrate on explaining her own remark. "Sorry. Just thinking about some psych research on personality types I was looking at before I came to Atlantis."

It seemed a long time ago and, in truth, a galaxy away. Her first time working so closely with the military, and without a regulatory board approving the research, and reining in the military's "enthusiasm" for experiments that pushed professional ethics to the limits, and occasionally beyond. She'd wanted to get a handle on how hard she might be pressed to take risks that wouldn't be countenanced back home. And what logic would help her to resist. She hadn't expected, skimming through the literature, things would get this personal.

Now, she allowed herself an ironic smile. "Seems risk-taking types like yourself tend to feel more regret if they don't do something than if they do. Even if it turns out badly."

He nodded. "Figures." He tilted her head. "What about you?"

"Me?" She crossed her arms, her smile fading.

"What would you regret?"

She took a deep breath. "I guess I believe what's said can't be unsaid. So maybe it's better not to say it?"

"And you'd rather other people kept quiet too?"

"Perhaps." She tilted her head to one side. "But I hope you know if you need to talk, I'll always listen."

"Will you?" He shifted his weight. "Kinda got the impression I might have done or said something to upset you you, and you were avoiding me." He tilted his head and gave her a beseeching look. "Did I do something wrong?"

"No." Her response was quick, but she bit her lip and paused, choosing her next words carefully. "You haven't done anything wrong." The emphasis was slight, a sop to her conscience, and she hoped he wouldn't notice it.

He looked doubtful. "'Cause I came and dumped all that stuff on you a few weeks back, and then when you got yourself your project, you said you needed time when people weren't unloading on you.... So... was kinda wondering if that was because of me. If you were mad with me for laying all that stuff on you out of office hours. Or if...," he ran a hand through his hair, "you thought I was just using you. Like we weren't really... friends."

She bit her lip. He was so far off the mark, it was painful. "No." She shook her head. "The thought did cross my mind that it would be awkward for someone in your position to come to me officially for counselling. But I never felt...," again she shook her head, "it never seemed to me like you talked to me... like we spent time together just so you could get some therapy." Even if, she added silently to herself, all you were looking for was friendship.

She wondered for a brief moment what it would have been like – and how she would have reacted – if he had been set on wooing her from the outset.

He gave her a lopsided grin, apparently reassured. "Good. Because I didn't... I mean, apart from that one time, I never came looking for you just to talk about me. Your friendship is...." He looked away, apparently struggling for words. "I want us to be friends, Kate."

"Me too, John." She could barely get her reply out above a whisper, and she was glad he wasn't looking at her right then. Because she wasn't sure her had her face under control, and maybe it was saying she didn't want to be friends. She wanted more. Much more.

He got up from where he was sitting on the steps and came and joined her by the railing, folding himself into the corner opposite her. As he gazed out over the city, apparently happy to let the conversation lapse into one of their customary silences, she knew that, for the sake of Atlantis, and if she was to answer Elizabeth's impassioned plea, friendship would have to be enough.

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