tanaquiljall

Title: Through The Looking Glass
Author: TanaquiSGA
Rating: Teen
Characters: Kate Heightmeyer, John Sheppard, Rodney McKay, Elizabeth Weir, Carson Beckett
Spoilers: Season 1/Early Season 2
Warnings: Eventual Heightmeyer/Sheppard in final chapters
Word count: 4585/c. 38,000
Summary: In which Kate is having a very bad day as she tries to help Teyla with her "Gift".
Author's Note: Once again, my heartfelt thanks to

sgafan and

elena_tiriel for their usual excellent beta reading and encouragement.

***

No matter what anyone says, I still can't accept I didn't mess up....

Kate gripped the railing and looked out over the ocean, but barely saw the shifting pattern of white crests and gray shadows in the running waves. Instead, her vision was filled with images from the past days. Teyla's eyes filled with contempt, a sneer on her lips. Teyla punching Carson, smashing an IV stand across John's back, advancing on Elizabeth. Teyla stretched across the floor, out cold, John with his sidearm pointed at her.

She lifted her hands and pressed her fingertips to her temples. It had seemed such a routine request when John had made it: Teyla was hardly the first person to have nightmares about the Wraith; Kate suspected that if she had any real idea what to expect, she would have been having nightmares herself.

Although she'd been doubtful about her chances of making a difference with Teyla. "Wouldn't you do better asking Carson to prescribe her sleeping tablets?" she'd asked him.

John looked sheepish. "Don't think she'd take them."

"And you think she'd talk to me?" Kate knew her uncertainty must be written across her face.

"Maybe not." He sighed. "But would you try? Please? If anyone can get past someone's defenses and get them to talk, it's you...."

"Even if she does, a week's not long....," she shook her head. "Don't know how much I can do."

Plenty enough, it seemed. Again, the kaleidoscope of images wheeled before her. Teyla's trusting face as she talked about her past, the IV stand arcing down on John's prone form, the fear in Elizabeth's eyes, the contempt in Teyla's....

She'd pushed too hard, asked questions better left unanswered, forced Teyla into trusting her – and then betrayed that trust. Because John had asked her to. Because it was John she wanted to lift the burden from, by "fixing" Teyla, by helping him use Teyla to gain the intelligence he so badly craved. Because it was John....

Her mind ran back over the conversation she'd had that morning – was it really only a few short hours ago? – in Elizabeth's office. When the call had come requesting her presence, she'd still been talking to Teyla, still trying to help her come to terms with the knowledge she had Wraith DNA. Taking a few minutes to finish up that conversation had made her the last to arrive. Rodney and Carson were already ensconced on the seats at the far side of the office, and John was standing at Elizabeth's left shoulder, his hand resting on his sidearm. There was, quite pointedly, only one chair left, in front of Elizabeth's desk. As Elizabeth motioned her into it, Kate had the uncomfortable feeling she was on trial in some way.

Kate had dragged her eyes away from John and focused on what Elizabeth had summoned her to hear.

"We've been doing some more digging into the Wraith scientist's research," Elizabeth waved a hand at her laptop, "and we think Teyla may have more than just the ability to sense the Wraith coming. It's possible she could actually tap into the Wraith's telepathic communications and hear what they're saying to each other." Elizabeth folded her hands on the desk and leaned forward. "We could use that to gather intel on the Wraith – their plans, their tactics. It could tip the balance for us, give us a chance at defending the city.... If we can help her tap into that network."

"Wait!" Kate lifted her hand. "You're saying Teyla's sense of the Wraith...," she frowned as she strove to understand Elizabeth's meaning, "that it's like someone with severe hearing loss who can tell there's a conversation going on, but can't distinguish the words?"

"Something like that, yes." Elizabeth gestured briefly at her laptop again. "But, from the database, it looks like the original test subjects could pick out the words clearly. That's what the voices were that Teyla's ancestors could hear. The question is: why can't Teyla hear the Wraith clearly? And could she with the right treatment?"

Kate nodded. She fixed her gaze on the Athosian jar on Elizabeth's desk while she silently pondered Elizabeth's words. She was aware of the intense focus of the four other people in the room on her. "It's likely Teyla's...," Kate struggled for the right word, "impairment isn't genetic. That the full ability is latent. Like...." As the supposed expert on the mind in the Atlantis team, Kate felt hopelessly out of her depth. ESP had never been something she'd taken too seriously or been interested in back on earth. "Like someone who develops cataracts in old age can still process light falling on the retina, but the image is blurred – but if they have the cataracts removed, they can see as well as ever?" She looked across at Carson, who nodded.

"Or like the brain of someone with a lazy eye doesn't process any input from that eye," he offered. "But if you put a patch over their good eye, you can force them to use the lazy eye. The information is still getting through, but the brain throws it away."

Kate looked back at Elizabeth. "It's possible people who can hear the Wraith are able to put up some kind of mental barrier to shut them out." She shook her head and gave a small laugh. "Another eye analogy: like the way your pupils contract when you shine a bright light in your eyes. Those people without the ability would have been have been seen as crazy, so they probably never had a chance to have children. Those with enough natural ability to block out the Wraith voices so they could function normally were able to pass on their genes and that ability. Natural selection in action...."

Elizabeth nodded, clearly deep in thought. "Is there a way we get Teyla to lower the mental barrier so she can hear clearly?"

Kate shrugged and glanced across at Carson, who gave her a weak smile. "I wouldn't know where to start," he admitted. "This is your department."

Kate bit her lip. "Drugs, perhaps." She looked back at Elizabeth. "Or maybe hypnosis." She sensed a sharpening of interest in the room.

"Can you do that?" Elizabeth asked.

Kate shrugged. "Maybe."

"You can?" Rodney's interjection forced her to twist in her chair to look at him. "You can hypnotize people?" He sounded slightly incredulous.

She nodded. "It's not a technique I use often, but yes, I've had some success inducing hypnosis in the past."

"Oh. Hmm," he squirmed in his seat, "it's just that I, maybe you could...."

"Rodney!" Elizabeth cut him off before he could hijack the conversation any further. Kate turned back to face her as Elizabeth added, "You don't sound very confident it will work."

Kate shook her head "It's not an exact science at the best of times. And Teyla may not be the most receptive subject, for lots of reasons." She bit her lip. "I'm not sure we should even try...."

She trailed off as John took a step forward.

"We could do with that intel, Kate," he said quietly.

Kate rubbed a hand across her forehead. "Yes, I know." She sighed. She looked back up at John. "But what if we take the blocks away and can't put them back?"

He frowned. "Is that likely?"

Kate sighed again. "I don't know. This is so far outside my experience.... I have no idea what the long-term effects will be." She looked back at Elizabeth. "But I do know Teyla's already struggling to deal with the bleed-through from so many Wraith being awake, and she was pretty shaken up by the news she has Wraith DNA." She lifted her hands in a gesture of helplessness. "Putting more stress on her mind could result in serious damage, psychological or physical. Maybe even kill her if she has a strong physiological reaction to what she's experiencing in her mind."

Elizabeth was staring at her hands, apparently lost in thought. Kate heard John shift his weight from one foot to the other.

"Teyla was part of the team that raided the Hive ship with the Genii." John's tone was clipped. Looking back up at him, Kate saw his expression had hardened a little."We didn't all come back. If we were going on another raid, I wouldn't hesitate to order Teyla to board a Hive ship, and she wouldn't hesitate to go. I don't see how this is any different."

Kate tilted her head and gave him a direct look. "Well, for one thing, you wouldn't be asking me to hypnotise her before she went." She crossed her arms. "You're Teyla's commanding officer, Major. It's your right to give that order." She gave a slight shrug. "I'm her therapist." She glanced around at the others before looking back at him. "I know everyone in this room cares about Teyla, but it's my professional duty to look after her welfare. And that includes not administering therapies I think could do serious long-term harm." She hugged herself a little more tightly. "Just because we're in the middle of a war zone, and it's expedient for the military, doesn't mean I can or should abandon my professional ethics."

John narrowed his eyes. The room was silent for a long moment, except for the tattoo of his fingers as he drummed them on the holster of his sidearm. "You won't help?"

Kate gave a weary sigh. "I didn't say that, John." She lifted her hands pressed her fingers to her temples. "Right now, I don't know what to do."

"Kate?" She looked back up at him. He was leaning forward, his weight on his hand resting on Elizabeth's desk, bringing his face closer to hers. "We really could do with that intel. Anything at all we can find out would help." His voice was low, desperate, pleading. "Believe me, I don't want to ask Teyla to do this any more than you do, but I don't think we have much choice."

Kate closed her eyes. Her training, her professional ethics, her knowledge of the Wraith and what they could do when they arrived, Elizabeth's imprecation to help John, his own imploring gaze: all were tugging first one way and then the other. The severity of the threat they faced and the need for intelligence warred with her sense of duty to Teyla. Isn't that what professional ethics are all about: to provide an anchor that stops you drifting with the tide of circumstance?

In her mind's eye, John's face swam before her. She swallowed hard. He had a good heart; he felt the deaths of those under his command perhaps more than he should; and he cared for Teyla. They wouldn't even be having this conversation if he hadn't been worried enough about her to ask Kate to help her. She had to believe he wouldn't ask for this unless he truly thought it was worth the risk and would make a difference. And she saw again the real hope that had been in his face when she'd first entered Elizabeth's office, and compared it with the forced optimism he'd paraded at the briefing just a few days ago.

She opened her eyes to find his gaze still fixed on her. "I don't like it, John," she gave him a weak smile, "but you're right. In the circumstances, we have to try. If Teyla says yes, I'll do what I can to help her connect."

He returned the smile. Uncomfortable under his scrutiny, she swung back to Elizabeth, who had a thoughtful look on her face. "But I'd like it to be just you and I who talk to her, Doctor Weir. I don't want Teyla to feel it's an order she can't refuse...."

She had glanced back at John, who had straightened and taken a step back, but was still smiling gratefully at her.

That damn smile....

Kate gripped the deck railing again, anger coursing through her like the swell slapping against the base of the East pier a few feet below. She'd let her feelings for John cloud her judgement, allowing her ridiculous infatuation with him to destroy her professional detachment. Her hands tightened on the rail as another wave of shame washed over her. Stupid, stupid, stupid....

Beyond the cocoon of her own wretchedness, she was aware of the quiet whine of the door behind her, and the low vibrations of a firm tread crossing the decking towards her. Carson, let it be Carson....

"Kate?" John's hesitant question completed her misery. She couldn't deal with him, not now, not when she felt like she'd shatter into a thousand pieces at the first blow, or the first kind word.

She could feel him hovering a few steps away. She took a deep breath and pulled herself up straighter. But she couldn't turn or speak: she didn't trust her face or voice not to betray her. Didn't he get the message that she just wanted to be left alone?

She heard him take a few more steps towards her until he was at her side. "Kate?" His voice was soft, but the sense of him next to her was like standing too close to a furnace when the door was opened. She turned her head away, afraid he would catch sight of her face. Swallowing, she managed to find her voice and croak, "What do you want?"

She felt him physically recoil from the ice in her voice: swaying backwards before he steadied and stood firm.

"Wanted to see if you were OK."

There was a catch in his voice too. From the corner of her eye, she saw him lift his hand, and she flung up her own to stop him: to defend herself and to ward him off. Because she couldn't bear his pity, his kindness.

"Don't!" she forced out.

He froze. "Don't... what?"

She pressed her lips together while she mustered the composure to answer him. "Just... don't, okay," was the best she could manage. Dammit, couldn't he take a hint and walk away? "Why are you here?" Anger helped her find the words, gave strength to them.

"I thought, after what happened today, you might need someone to talk to." He sounded nettled and she felt a surge of satisfaction and relief. He'd give up on her soon, go away, leave her alone.

"If I'd wanted to talk," she snapped. "I'd have been somewhere you could find me."

"I know." He sounded tired and he gave a small grunt as he shifted his weight. She wondered if his back had stiffened up from the blow Teyla had landed on him. Glancing sideways, she saw he'd turned and was leaning his arms on the railing, his hands clasped in front of him. "Tried there first," he went on, his tone almost amused, "but you weren't there. Wasn't sure if I was too early or too late. So I tried your office, and your quarters. And the mess hall." He gave a half laugh. "Still couldn't find you. Then I started asking around."

She heard him shift again, as if the memory made him uncomfortable. Or perhaps he was just trying to ease sore muscles. He gave a soft snort. Turning her head a little, she caught sight of his interlinked fingers flexing restlessly.

"Eventually Doctor Fusanaki said she'd seen you get in a transporter." His hands stilled, "So I went up to ops and had Doctor Zelenka expand the scanning field on the biometric sensor to Citywide. And there was this blip out on the Eastern pier not far from your lab...."

He turned to face her, another soft involuntary hiss of pain escaping him, and rested his arm along the railing; his fingertips just inches from hers. The knot inside her chest tightened again. She wanted to move away from him, but she knew he didn't deserve that kind of rejection. In her imagination, she saw him making his way round the city, searching for her, increasingly worried. Dammit, why did he have to be so... nice?

She took a deep breath and did her best to keep her voice level. "I appreciate the effort, John. I really do. But... I just want to be alone."

He was silent. She held herself still, willing herself not to make any move towards him, give him any encouragement. Go! she silently urged him.

"Sure," he said at last. He sounded weary. "Wish you'd come back to the central tower with me but...," he straightened, "I can't force you to." He took a step away and hesitated. "But I'll be there when you're ready to talk, okay?"

A hot tear stung Kate's cheek, but she didn't lift her hand to wipe it away. She clasped the railing more tightly, determined to hold on to her self control until he'd gone.

He seemed to be waiting in case she decided to answer. When she made no sign, he turned away. A second tear joined the first as she listened to his retreating footsteps and the whine of the opening door.

Relief at his leaving washed over her and left her weak: her knees buckled and she slid downwards. The trickle of tears became a flood, and one huge, gasping sob after another escaped her. She put her hands to her face and rocked backwards and forwards, giving way to noisy misery.

She was almost too far gone to flinch at the light touch on her shoulder that grew firmer as his hand closed around her. She tried to shrug him off, but he reached across and grasped her other shoulder, turning her and pulling her towards him. Once more, she tried to escape, but he only drew her more forcefully against him. One hand snaked around her back, holding her close, while the other stroked her hair. He was making soothing noises, barely audible over her sobs. She resisted for a moment longer, before the fight went out of her and she succumbed, allowing him to press her tightly against his shoulder.

She cried for what seemed like a long time, the sobs that wrenched her whole body gradually giving way to steady, quiet weeping. She was only dimly aware of the strong arms around her, the soothing words being muttered in her ear: her restless, reproachful thoughts were stilled at last as the tension and anger flowed out of her with her tears.

Slowly her breathing steadied and she became aware of him, warm and solid and reassuring. One arm was still wrapped around her waist, while his other hand cupped the nape of her neck, his thumb softly moving against her hair. Even when she finally lapsed into silence, he continued to hold her close, seemingly in no hurry to jolly her back to her usual self, apparently content to let her find her own path back in her own time. She sighed. She wanted to stay here forever, safe and sleepy. But it was time to pull herself together and face the world, and her own shortcomings, once more.

She sat up and drew away from him a little. His hand fell away from her hair, but he still kept his arm around her waist, not letting her escape too far.

She met his gaze for a moment, before looking away. "I'm sorry," she muttered.

"Don't be." He sounded mildly amused.

Realisation struck her. "You were never actually planning on leaving, were you?"

"Nope." Again that edge of laughter in his voice. "Couldn't let you stay out here in a remote part of the City on your own without a guard. Was planning to wait you out; thought I'd seen a chair somewhere in the hallway." He briefly touched her cheek with the tips of his fingers, and she looked up at him. "Glad I didn't make it through the door before you stopped pretending you didn't need me, though."

She felt a flush spread across her face as he smiled at her. She looked away, embarrassed. "I made such a hash of things," she murmured. "Messing about with stuff I didn't understand."

"We all do that all the time." He gave her a reassuring squeeze with the hand on her waist. "Heck, it's a weekly occurrence on my team."

She knew he was trying to make her laugh, to soften her pain, but this wasn't a joke to her. "Could have got you all killed," she pointed out.

"But you didn't. That was why Sergeant Bates was there with the stunner, remember?"

"When she said she was feeding...." Kate closed her eyes, remembering the anguish in Teyla's voice. "If she wasn't already having nightmares, she'd sure be having them now. I haven't exactly helped...."

"Yes, you have." There was quiet certainty in his voice. She opened her eyes and looked at him. He gave her a brief half-smile. "I know Teyla. If there's one thing she can't stand, it's not being in control, not having something to do. So, we haven't quite figured things out completely yet, but we will. And I know Teyla'll feel better when we do."

"I wish I could believe that...." She held his gaze, seeking reassurance.

"Believe it." He lifted his hand and smoothed her hair back from her face. "Elizabeth and I talked to Teyla again before I came looking for you. I think she's still pretty shaken up by what happened, but she seemed a lot more like the old Teyla."

Kate smiled. "I'm glad. But I'm still not sure we should have done it a second time, let alone a first."

"Hey, if anyone's to blame, it's me." His mouth twisted in a wry smile. "I talked you into it when you had doubts. I wanted to go on when Elizabeth wanted to end things. And Ford was right: Teyla would have tried again whether we were there or not. Besides," his face grew sober again, "we got the intel we were looking for."

"We did?" Even though his expression had darkened, a little of her own personal gloom had lifted at the news.

He nodded. "We know their route to Atlantis now, which might just give us a chance of defeating them before they even get here. And if they do get here, we have a fair idea what their objective is."

She raised her eyebrows. "You mean, apart from feeding on us and wiping us out?"

He shook his head and swallowed. She felt his hand tighten on her waist. "They want the Atlantis gate. They know about Earth. And that Atlantis is the only way to get to it."

Kate's mind leaped away to memories of home and family, and the thought of Hive ships hovering over Earth. She shivered.

"Hey." The half-smile was back. "At least it gives us some ideas about how to defend ourselves. You did good, Kate." He caught and held her gaze, the intensity of his gaze almost mesmerising.

"Did I?"

He nodded. "If it wasn't for you, Teyla would never have talked to Charin, we wouldn't have found the Wraith lab... known that Teyla has Wraith DNA... known we had a chance of connecting."

She blindly reached for his hand, and turned it so they were palm to palm, her fingers spread against his. "Teyla has Wraith DNA. And you have the Ancient gene. Guess that's not easy to deal with either."

He slid his fingers to intertwine them with hers and clasp her hand. "Not always, no."

She was suddenly very aware of his touch, his closeness, the warmth of his body, how good he smelled. Abruptly she pulled away and stood up. A rush of anger flooded through her: once more, she was letting herself be overwhelmed by that damned personal charm he barely knew he was exercising. No matter how many times he might reassure her things had worked out okay this time, she knew she couldn't afford to let her feelings for him cloud her professional judgement again. She had been right to try and send him away, stupid to allow herself to be comforted by him.

Unsure what her face betrayed, she turned away from him, reaching out and gripping the railing to steady herself. She couldn't afford to say or do anything that would show him what she felt. Trying to keep her voice level, hoping he would attribute any roughness in it to the residue of her tears, she took a deep breath and said, "Thank you, John." His name seemed warm and sweet on her tongue. Furious with herself, she closed her eyes.

She heard him rise as well, once more letting out a soft groan as his bruised muscles protested, and move next to her. "You're welcome." he murmured.

There was a long silence during which she couldn't think of what to say. She supposed they should go back to the central tower, but she didn't feel quite ready for that, quite ready to encounter other people.

He was the one to speak first. "Why are you so hard on yourself?" There was a puzzled note to his voice.

She risked a glance at him. He was frowning too. "What do you mean?"

"You're here for everyone else in Atlantis. But you don't want to let anyone else help you."

She looked out across the ocean a few feet below, while she carefully considered her reply. She realised with a start that the sun had almost dipped below the horizon, and the soft lights on the pier had come on automatically. At least an hour must have passed since he arrived. "It's not that I don't appreciate your kindness, John," she said at last. "But I can't expect it, or come to rely on it. You have a whole city to look after and protect."

"That's true." Again, he gently grasped her shoulder and turned her to face him. Reluctantly she looked up at him, at the soft smile in his eyes. "I do." He brought his other hand up so he held her lightly between his hands. His grip tightened a little. "And that makes me feel…." He didn't seem able to find the right word and settled for a shrug. "I don't know if I can keep everyone safe. Not with what's coming." The smile faded a little. "So let me believe I can protect at least one person, make one person feel safe. Let me help you, Kate. If not for your sake, then for mine."

He drew her towards him and wrapped his arms around her, only the slightest wince betraying his soreness. After a moment, she let herself lean against him, her cheek resting against his shoulder. Her hands came up and clutched his arms. A part of her knew she shouldn't take this comfort from him, that she was storing up future misery for both of them. Yet it felt so very good to be held close, to be the one who took consolation rather than gave it. And hadn't Elizabeth asked her to do what she could to help John, to relieve his burden?

She felt him settle his cheek against her hair, and tighten his arms a little. Closing her eyes, she sighed and relaxed into his embrace.

Previous ~ Next