Through the Looking Glass 4/9: Episode Four - The Storm/The Eye

[tanaquiljall]

Title: Through The Looking Glass
Author: TanaquiSGA
Rating: Teen
Characters: Kate Heightmeyer, John Sheppard, Rodney McKay, Elizabeth Weir, Carson Beckett
Spoilers: Season 1/Early Season 2
Warnings: Eventual Heightmeyer/Sheppard in final chapters
Word count: 4400/c. 38,000
Summary: In which Kate, Elizabeth and Rodney deal with the aftermath of the Genii raid on Atlantis, and John doesn't....
Author's Note: Many thanks to sgafanand elena_tiriel   for their usual sterling beta-reading services.

***

Good to be back in the city again. Good it's mostly still in one piece. Strange how you stop seeing what's in front of you, stop seeing how amazing it is, when you live with it every day….

Kate closed her journal. She wasn't in the mood to write, even though so much had happened that she had yet to make sense of. All she really wanted to do was reassure herself that Atlantis was safe. Laying her journal and pen to one side, she stood up and leant on the railing, gazing out at the storm-battered but largely unscathed buildings.

From this distance, the damage caused by wind and water was hard to see. In part that was because the city was darker than it had been in weeks. Repair teams would take a while to check outlying areas and make sure they were stable enough to allow people to move back in. Tonight, with dusk falling, the furthest piers were rapidly becoming indistinguishable from the flat ocean beyond them. Kate was strongly reminded of the brownouts California had suffered a few years ago, when whole acres of towns had been eerily without light.

Glancing down, she noticed a piece of seaweed clinging to the base of one of the stanchions that supported the railing. Irritated, she poked it over the edge with her toe. Truthfully, she wasn't really surprised the balcony had survived. Apart from collecting a little debris – even up here! – and a dusting of dried salt, it had been fine. Hadn't they chosen it because it was almost always sheltered, a sanctuary from the wind? Yet, on Manaria, she'd struggled to tear her mind away from what might be happening to it, afraid that, when she got back, it would be wrecked.

How strange that, in just a few short weeks, these nondescript square yards of deck had come to mean so much to her. How ridiculous, how selfish even, that she should care more about a place that was neither beautiful nor distinguishable from any of a hundred other stair landings than about the people left behind in equal danger.

She shook her head and laughed to herself. No, not strange. There were memories that made this place unlike any other. And not true, either, that she hadn't cared about the expedition members who had stayed to battle the storm. But it had been easier to focus her concern on the place, easier to concentrate on reassuring herself that it would stand up to the battering it was about to receive, than to let her mind be overwhelmed by her fears for those left behind on Atlantis. Carson, who should have been evacuated with them, but had, according to the last of the messages they received, waited on the mainland for a final group of Athosians. Rodney. Would she miss Rodney if anything happened to him? Yes, she supposed she would. He tried her patience several times a week, but she'd grown surprisingly fond of him. John….

She straightened, and pushed the hair back off her face. They were all safe, and so was the balcony.

No, not all safe. She gripped the railing again with both hands, her knuckles whitening as she thought about the two marines killed by the Genii. She'd barely known them, and it bothered her. It bothered her that she hadn’t taken the effort to befriend the people who were dying to protect her. It bothered her that she could so easily forget about them, gloss over their deaths as less important than a few yards of railing and panelling.

She sighed and consciously relaxed her grip. Back on earth, soldiers had been putting themselves in peril somewhere every day to protect her right to live freely and without fear as an American citizen. She'd taken it for granted. That bothered her too, now she was forced to think about it. But, on earth, with six billion people, you simply couldn't mark the fall of every sparrow. All you could do, perhaps, was honour the living and the dead when you were reminded that you should. Memorial Day. Veterans Day. In contrast, out here, in such a small community, every death should matter, did matter.

Still – she crossed her arms and leant forward on the railing – some lives inevitably mattered more to each of them than others. She didn't doubt the friends of the two marines cared far more about their deaths than they would have if anything had happened to Dr Weir or Dr McKay or Major Sheppard. Just as she didn't really mind if half the levels on the southeast pier were flooded, while she worried about her own special corner of the city. People were, when it came down to it, self-centered and capable of only so much compassion.

Incapable, too, of handling more than a certain level of anxiety for the things that were important to them. She'd seen that since she arrived on Atlantis: people almost paralysed by worry not for themselves but for others, unable to make choices out of fear of the consequences. To act or not to act. And, sometimes, to be powerless to do anything. She'd seen strong, confident people brought to their knees by their impotence, seen them make bad calls just to be able to feel they could do something, anything.

How would she have felt if she'd known what was really going on Atlantis? How would she have dealt with that? Not that things hadn't gotten sticky on Manaria for a while when Atlantis finally re-established contact.

Kate's mind drifted back to her unexpected debriefing by Dr Weir earlier that day.

"Doctor Heightmeyer, do you have a few minutes to spare?" If the call over the radio had surprised her, she had been even more startled when Elizabeth arrived at her door in less time than it took to walk from the transporter at the end of the hall.

"I was hoping you could tell me more about what happened on Manaria." Elizabeth wasted no time on pleasantries – and gave Kate no time to misunderstand this was anything other than an operational conversation.

"Of course." Kate gestured to the couch. "Please, sit." As she settled herself opposite, she remarked, "I'm not sure what I can add to whatever Sergeant Bates might have told you, though."

Elizabeth carefully crossed her legs and clasped her hands lightly on her knee. Her face was composed, but Kate detected faint tension around her eyes. Was the question about Manaria a straight enquiry, a hastily conjured pretext, or something in between? Kate didn't spend enough time around Elizabeth to know for sure how typical that signal of unease and concern was.

Elizabeth paused before answering, and spoke slowly, as if choosing her words carefully. "Sergeant Bates is… very efficient." She tilted her head sideways and gave Kate a conspiratorial smile. "But he often sees things in… black and white, shall we say?"

Kate leant back and returned the smile. "And you want me to add the colour?"

"Yes I do." Elizabeth remained upright, her back straight. "Did you notice anything odd about the Manarians when you first arrived? Anything at all suspicious?"

"Not really, no." Kate shook her head, thinking back and wondering if there were signs she’d missed at the time. "They put us up in what looked like army barracks, but that seemed reasonable given there were a couple hundred of us and we only gave them a few hours notice. Of course, I'm sure Sergeant Bates has told you it would have been relatively easy to trap us there when we finally found out we'd been double-crossed."

“He did.” Elizabeth gave Kate a penetrating look. "But you definitely didn't know anything was wrong until we made contact again?"

"No. Although," Kate hesitated, "maybe we didn't exactly help ourselves there." She lowered her gaze. "I know Sergeant Bates was all for rounding up the Athosians and finding out who was responsible there and then. Or even just leaving the whole lot of them to the mercy of the Manarians and the Genii…." She stopped, reluctant to criticise Bates. He had, after all, done an exemplary job in securing the compound, so that the Manarians had thought twice about storming it and taking them hostage.

"Yes, I know." Elizabeth sighed. "He does have a bit of a blind spot. It could easily have been one of our people who was forced to give up a GDO."

"Well, that's what I was going to say. That may not quite be the case." Elizabeth raised her eyebrows at that, and Kate shrugged apologetically. "The expedition team…. We kept to ourselves. We knew the Manarians didn't really want us there, and we didn't think we'd be there for long, anyway. And, well, I've gotten the impression a lot of expedition members just aren't that comfortable interacting with people from Pegasus, to be honest."

"I'd noticed," Elizabeth interjected dryly.

Kate nodded. "But we also didn't mix with the Athosians. That was probably our biggest mistake. I do think the Manarians deliberately targeted them rather than us, so they could persuade some of them – including this Doran – to go off with them. But if we'd been more involved with them, we might have figured out what was happening sooner, and found a way to warn you." She shook her head. "Or maybe not."

Elizabeth gave her a reassuring smile. "Probably not.” Her face turned sober again, and Kate saw the tension return. “From what Halling says, it sounds like they did a pretty good job of separating Doran from everyone else before they went for the GDO. But…," she dropped her gaze and a thoughtful expression settled on her face, "I'll take it under advisement that you think we need to mix more. With the Athosians on the mainland, we seem to be literally and figuratively in two camps. Even so," Kate saw a faint shiver run through her before she looked back up, "I don't think it would have made any difference whose GDO they got. We were the ones who let the Genii onto Atlantis, not the Athosians. We need to be a lot clearer about gate protocols, train our people better."

Was that shiver fear? Guilt? Remorse? Or something else? "But if the Genii had an Athosian IDC…?" Kate probed gently. She was still wondering quite why the woman opposite had chosen to pay a visit to Kate’s office to talk about this, instead of – as on several previous occasions when she’d wanted a briefing – calling Kate to the goldfish bowl of Stargate operations.

Elizabeth cut across her brusquely. "Corrigan and Lopez should have confirmed with me or Major Sheppard. Gotten more information before lowering the shield." She quirked an eyebrow. "It's not much of a consolation that they paid for their mistake – my mistake – with their lives."

Kate kept her face neutral, but her heart went out to Elizabeth. More than one person had found themselves thrust into situations and faced with decisions and consequences they’d never expected to have to deal with. Again she pushed a little. "Is it any consolation you almost paid for it with your life too?"

"Honestly? No." Elizabeth gave a harsh laugh. "Though I never thought I'd see the day when Rodney would offer to take a bullet for someone else."

"For you." Kate kept her voice quiet but firm. "Because he respects you, Elizabeth. Because he cares for you. We all do. And we've all made mistakes." She leant forward and touched Elizabeth's hand briefly. "Sometimes the consequences don't matter much. Sometimes they matter a great deal. But we run that risk every time we make a decision about what to do. Even if what we decide to do is nothing."

Kate watched Elizabeth closely, wondering if she felt patronized by her reassurance. But Elizabeth met her gaze steadily, apparently prepared to indulge Kate in her homily, even if she wasn't going to take it to heart. Kate had time, while she framed her next words, to reflect that it was the mark of a good leader to make each member of the team feel valued for their contribution.

She chose to keep her tone brisk when she went on. "You make hundreds of decisions every day that affect the lives of the Atlantis expedition. How many do you get wrong?" Not waiting for an answer, she plunged on, "No one gets things right all the time. What matters is that we learn. We don't repeat the same mistakes. We understand more about what might happen as a result of our choices. We see the pitfalls. We take steps to avoid them."

Feeling a little embarrassed she was burbling, Kate sat back and gave Elizabeth an apologetic smile. "But you know all that."

"Yes, I do." Elizabeth's returned the smile. "But it's good to be reminded of it."

Kate was about to speak again when a quiet beeping came from the datapad on her desk. She grimaced. “I’m sorry. I’ve a client due in five minutes.” She got up and crossed to the desk to silence the alarm. When she turned back, Elizabeth had also risen.

“I’ll leave you in peace.” The assured, reassuring mask that Elizabeth showed to the world was back in place.

Impulsively, Kate took two steps and half blocked Elizabeth’s path to the door. “Dr Weir. I know there are some things you can’t share, or that no one else could understand. But my door is always open. If you ever feel the need….”

“I know.” Elizabeth touched Kate’s arm briefly as she passed her. “I’ll remember that. I promise.”

When the door had slid shut again, Kate took a deep breath. Crossing to the window, she looked out across the southeast pier below, but she was blind to the view. Now Elizabeth had gone, she could admit to herself how much it had shaken her to see the expedition leader’s self-doubt and uncertainty. Not that it wasn’t allowed, or justified, or even that unexpected. But – Kate realized – she’d drawn much of her own confidence from Elizabeth’s unwavering optimism and strength. In the last ten minutes, she’d lost that reassurance, and acquired the burden of helping Elizabeth hide her fear from the rest of the Atlantis team.

She remained staring out at the city until Rodney arrived. Even after they’d settled down in their customary positions opposite each other, she found it hard to concentrate. Luckily for her, Rodney seemed very pleased with himself, and was – even more than usual – determined to start their session by launching on a long monologue in which she had to do little more than indicate she was paying attention.

He didn’t wind down and appear ready for any kind of counseling until most of the way through the session. By that point, she’d managed to put her own feelings to one side to concentrate on his.

“It’s good that you feel so positive about yourself today, Rodney.” Kate tried to keep her tone upbeat, even though she was wondering where the catch was going to come. Rodney might exude confidence that bordered on arrogance publicly; in Kate’s office, he let the mask slip

“Yes!” He puffed out his chest. “Me.” He grinned happily. “Still can’t believe I stepped in front of a loaded gun to save Elizabeth. Me!” He paused, and Kate could almost see the euphoria draining out of him, like air leaking out of a punctured tire. More quietly, and almost angrily, he said, “Can’t believe I did that.”

“Why does that surprise you so much?” Kate had still to get to the bottom of why Rodney found any sign of altruism on his part so disturbing, although she was forming an impression that his cynicism was the result of someone comprehensively taking advantage of his good nature at some point. Probably in his seventh-grade science club.

Now, Rodney gave her a weary look. “Because I’m a coward.” He rolled his eyes. “Because I prefer to stay alive. Because I’m not normally that stupid. Because it’s the kind of brainless, Action-Man thing Sheppard would do.”

This wasn’t the first time Rodney had brought the major up in their conversations. Not so strange, given they worked so closely together. And not the first time he’d found ways to belittle Sheppard or laugh off his achievements. Kate suspected the root of some of Rodney’s issues lay in the unfavourable comparisons he secretly drew between himself and John Sheppard.

Again, she probed for the reason he found it so hard to be nice to people. “Do you think it’s stupid to care about your friends and try to protect them?”

His reaction made her jump, even though it was one she’d become all too used to. “What kind of a question is that?” His voice rose, and he lurched forward in his seat, his eyes bulging. “Of course I think it’s stupid if it’s gonna get you killed. What kind of idiot…?”

“Rodney,” Kate cut across him sharply and raised her hand. “That’s enough.”

He stopped, his jaw hanging open, looking a little like a stranded fish. Then he snapped his mouth shut. “Fine,” he said more quietly, settling back on the couch, his tone now resentful. “Fine. Yes, I think it’s stupid if it gets you killed!”

Kate took a deep breath. After their first few sessions, she’d made it very clear he was allowed to be angry or upset at whatever was going on in his life, but she wouldn’t countenance sarcasm directed at either her or the therapy process. Counseling him was difficult enough. These days, he only let loose at her occasionally, and she knew it was a sign he was more than usually distressed.

She focused on his answer. “So, you don’t consider sacrificing your interests for those of your friends to be at all admirable? I’m sure Dr Weir thinks very highly of you for what you did.”

“Sure,” Rodney snapped. “And then Sheppard upstages me by pulling off that rescue stunt just as the Genii were leaving. I bet that’s what she remembers.”

Kate wished for a moment she could break the confidence of her earlier conversation with Elizabeth in order to reassure Rodney. She pondered the irony that Elizabeth probably valued John’s actions in saving her life far less than Rodney’s, because her expectations of John, of what he would do, were so much greater. Again she prodded gently at what was clearly a sore spot for Rodney. “Do you think people value Major Sheppard more than you?”

 

“Of course they do.” Rodney sighed heavily and his shoulders slumped, the fight going out of him. “He’s oh-so-heroic,” he waved his hands in the air in frustration. “He’s got that charming, rakish thing going on. People like him. I'm not really a people person, you know.” He crossed his arms, a glum expression settling on his face. “No wonder he has every woman on Atlantis swooning over him."

Kate couldn’t help laughing at that, although she tried to smother her amusement as quickly as she could. After all, jealousy might not make much sense rationally, but it was a very real and powerful emotion. She composed her face again and tried to offer some brisk reassurance. "Come on, Rodney. Do you really think that's true? I'm sure a few of us are immune to his charms.” She tried to catch his eye and smile at him. “And I'm sure you have your admirers, too."

“Yeah, right.” He looked away in disgust.

Kate felt a pang of sympathy. She supposed Rodney had had a lifetime of losing girls – even smart, geeky girls – to the easy charm of men like John Sheppard. And then listening to them sigh and cry when the Sheppards of the world casually broke their hearts.

“Rodney,” she sneaked a look at her watch to confirm it was time to wind up the session, “people often take for granted those they value most.” She clasped her hands around her knee and leant forward, willing him to listen. “They don’t tell them often enough and clearly enough how much they appreciate them. They’re stupid enough to be distracted by the charismatic types who’re good at talking themselves up.” He turned back to her, a slight sneer on his face, whether for the people who were so easily distracted or herself for her attempts at reassurance. “But that doesn’t mean they don’t, deep down, appreciate the quiet heroes. People like you. You’re the ones they turn to when the chips are down.”

Rodney tilted his head to one side. “I did save the day – again.”

“Yes, you did.” She gave him another encouraging smile.

He nodded. Wondering if she was really helping him, she watched him once more pull on his protective colouring – like a moth mimicking a yellowjacket wasp – with a quiet “Ha!” of satisfaction.

Several hours later, with the city darkening before her, she found herself pondering the differences and similarities between Doctor Rodney McKay and Major John Sheppard. John might have the personal charm Rodney lacked, but she was coming to the conclusion both men had a tendency to compensate for self-doubt and insecurity with over-confidence, and a need to act just to prove themselves.

Hearing footsteps behind her – something, she realised, she'd been listening for – she swung around quickly. One of the objects of her thoughts was descending the stairs.

As he came up to her, they both spoke together.

"I was just thinking about you," she blurted out. She felt a flush of heat rush through her as the sentence echoed loudly in her head.

"Came looking for you yesterday evening but you weren't here.” He was frowning down at her, his eyes narrowed. “Did I miss you?"

Her astonishment almost overtook her embarrassment. Two emotions warring within her left her speechless for a moment. Taking a deep breath, she did her best to pull herself together and answer, so he wouldn't have time to pursue her remark. "No. I was in the last group back, with Sergeant Bates. So it was late, and I was tired." She glanced away, not sure what to make of the fact he’d sought her out. He was worried about her? Or, more likely, he was worried about himself and needed her professional skills? She looked back again. "Sorry. If I'd known you wanted to talk…." His day, after all, had been rather more stressful than hers.

He shook his head. "Just wanted to check you were OK. And that our balcony survived the storm."

The heat returned to Kate’s face with renewed intensity. After everything that had happened, he’d been worrying about her?

She’d tried not to read too much into their increasingly frequent conversations. She’d done her best to dismiss the fact that they lightened her days, and reminded herself every time that, in such a small, closed community, friendships were a luxury someone with her professional responsibilities could ill afford. And she’d also never quite dared believe he might enjoy her company just for the sake of it, and not because it was a way to see her on a professional basis without, as ranking military officer, losing face.

She turned away and looked out over the city. "Just a bit of seaweed,” she managed to croak. “And everything's a bit gritty with salt."

“And how’s the balcony?”

His delivery was so deadpan, it took her a moment to get the joke. Then she found herself giggling. She looked back at him and returned his grin. “It’s fine.”

Thinking back, she didn’t remember many occasions when she had felt like she was counselling him. If anything, the reverse. Mostly they just talked about home: football, places they’d travelled, horses (for him), sailing (for her), movies, music, family. Perhaps he really did genuinely like spending time with her.

"So,” he interrupted her musings, “you were thinking about me?” The grin grew wider. “Want to tell me what?"

"Actually, I can't." She smiled apologetically, and was glad to find she didn't seem to be blushing as much this time. "It was something a patient said in a session."

He raised an eyebrow. "Hmm. I'm not sure if that's a good or a bad thing."

"Oh, it was rather complimentary." She laughed. “I hear you’ve been quite a hero the past day or so.”

Now it was his turn to look uncomfortable and swing away from her to lean on the railing. “Not so sure about that,” he muttered, staring down at his interlocked fingers. “Nearly got everyone killed several times over.”

The abrupt change of mood caught her off guard. Her laughter died. Seemed she’d read the situation right to start with and he had things on his mind.

She stepped next to him so she could catch a glimpse of his face. He was frowning, “But you didn’t,” she pointed out gently. “Despite the Genii’s best efforts.”

“When I thought he’d shot Elizabeth….” His voice trailed away. He bowed his head still further. “Thought I was being so smart… taking the C4… cutting the power. Guess I underestimated him….”

“We all make mistakes.” She tipped her head sideways, trying to catch his eye, but he refused to look up.

“I can’t afford to make mistakes like that.” She didn’t need to see his face. The self-laceration in his tone was enough. Abruptly, he stood up and took a pace back. “Sorry. Didn’t mean to lay all that on you.” The words were firm, but there was a rough edge to his voice.

“John?” When he didn’t look at her, she repeated his name more sharply. “John.” He met her gaze at last. Although his face was composed again, she saw the uncertainty and guilt in his eyes. “You don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to. But I’m here.” She was going to say more: about how she wouldn’t judge him, or tell him what to do, or try to make it all better. But it suddenly seemed unnecessary. He knew what her job was. And he needed to know this wasn’t just about the job. “I’m here,” she repeated softly.

“I know.” He gave her a brief, weak smile before turning and walking away.

She wanted more than anything to follow him, make him talk, comfort him. Closing her eyes and taking a deep breath, she let him go.

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Comments

[trishkafibble.livejournal.com]

Again, I like the way you're developing Kate's character, and her relationship with John. The scene with Liz was well done, and I very much liked the last scene--I like the idea of John eventually opening up to her, and I'm glad she's sensitive enough not to push it, no matter how much she wants to!

But...it's strange for me, rampant Rodney fan that I am, to read such a different perspective on how he would react to the events of TS/TE. In most of the McKay fanon I've run across, Rodney's main issue is disgust with himself for caving in to a few minutes' torture, which he feels he should have manfully resisted (as he's sure Sheppard would have). He takes no pride in defending Liz bodily from a Genii bullet, but mostly because it was something he did without thinking it over first--he takes no credit for some sort of crazy-ass instinct!! And that fits better with the way that David Hewlett and the scriptwriters have been developing him than what I see here.

I bring this up mostly because...well, I think you may not realize that there's quite a jarring lack of sympathy for Rodney in your writing. When it's in the background, it's pretty easy to ignore, but in a context like Altered States, or the therapy scene above, I think I weakens your portrayal of the other characters. Your Kate is normally intelligent and sympathetic--and I can see why she'd lose patience with Rodney despite that, I do!! But she also cultivates her own self-awareness, and you're writing her with a blind spot towards Rodney's vulnerabilities that maybe she wouldn't have, if you could muster up a more sympathetic view of him yourself?

Of course, that's the advice of a markedly biased fan, so feel free to take it with a grain (or more!) of salt. It's just something very noticeable and uncomfortable to me as a reader, that maybe you don't realize you're doing. If I'm wrong about that, or if you're just writing it as you see it and content to do so, great! In all other respects, I'm enjoying your stories very much, and I'm sure that'll continue to be true. ^^

[tanaquiljall]

I'm glad you liked the scene with Elizabeth. Thanks also for your thoughts on Rodney. I'll have a think about that.